I have been quiet lately, lost for words and struggling to construct a sentence. If you know me personally you probably think I’m joking. Even for me it seems ridiculous, I do also work as a Tour Guide, and so it is my job to talk.
I have been trying to eat more blueberries, hoping to assist with healing the Throat Chakra…
Do you know who else eats blueberries?! — Bears! I love bears. Fun Fact — They can eat more than 30,000 berries in one day. I wonder if that is where they find their strength, power and authentic self-expression?!
I have no issue to speak on a microphone; I could talk about bears for hours… So, then why is it that I can’t find the words to express my vulnerability, to share my sacred truth, and to acknowledge the wisdom held in my heart.
It may seem as if I am smiling or so often people comment that I am living the dream life, it’s funny how we assume so much from social media, but let’s just get real for a moment. Lately I have been fighting depression, fatigue, self- doubt. Just to name a few…
I was warned the Reiki Masters would turn my life upside down. Maybe it was the week I spent in the Peruvian Jungle with Plant Medicine. Do you think it could have been the interaction with a specific Soul or the loss of another? Could it be the constant search for a home, a place to belong? I am almost sure that it has to do with the astrological alignment. And it matches up with my personal numerology year. Surly the having 2 winters in the same year didn’t help, or I guess there was also the global pandemic that could be contributing.
The Angels say there is nothing to worry about; I am right on track…
Earlier this year I decided it was a good idea to spend some time living in New Zealand. I didn’t need a visa, I speak Kiwi and hopefully I would get rich quickly. Ohhh….And above all my Pen Pal was getting married!
I had spent the previous two weeks in four continents, multiple countries and time zones. Every time I opened my eyes I was in a different location. It was starting too physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually take its toll on me. I was looking forward to some much needed grounding.
Touch down NZ, Ahh…I would finally be able to breathe; just as soon as I got a job, a house and had a plan. I’ve started to get pretty good at this and in record timing I was setup and good to go. Every job I applied for I was offered. But for some reason they didn’t suit me and I didn’t want to work at any of these places. To be honest I’m not even sure this was the city for me.
COVID comes to town and for me on a personal level it was a blessing in disguise. It was a chance to stop, Rest and deepen the inner work. It felt like my mind was on a holiday from having to think what to do or where to go. It was not possible to know, there were no options. The days drifted by and although I don’t have much physical to show the inner me had taken some pretty major leaps! As the country slowly began to re-open that’s when the anxiety kicked in. I find myself trapped in an amusement park. Usually I prefer to spend my time on the roller coaster or the pirate ship but this time; around and around the merry go round. Trapped in a spiral, where my fear is resisting living in alignment with who I am. I am afraid to be seen and to share my gifts. And I am unhappy because my years of study, training and qualifications are not being of service. I reached a point where my Soul is no longer allowing me to hide. I can no longer say I am curious in spirituality, that I have an interest or a hobby; or a part time magic career.
The truth is I have been resisting, I have known this has been coming for a long time and to blame it all on the state of the world would be unfair. I know what my purpose is and the longer I deny it the more frustrated I become. All though the dark clouds appear to be all around me, there is but a deeper knowing and a hint of pleasure that can be found with the awareness that this is an inevitable experience I must go through.
Perhaps my higher-self set this up, to create an illusion that I am stuck on an island, showing me the repetition and the error of my ways, forcing me to remember who I am, reminding me to trust and waiting for me to level up so that I can move forward in the game of life.
I have outgrown the old me and the old ways in which I had previously been operating are no longer sustainable. Yet whilst I continually try to function from this mentality I stay frozen, everything around me is coming crashing down. I guess it could be seen as a gentle nudge from the universe to take back my power, break free and live a life of abundance.
I was recently asked ‘’When do I feel the most connected…?’’ And as my Gemini mind rattled off a million answers, one conceivably unexpected answer was that in my darkest hour, when I have lost my way. It is then at breaking point we find our deepest truths and most authentic selves.
As the journey continues to unfold, each time bringing new layers of awareness I am reminded of my medicine, my inner knowing, the strength of that which I carry within. I come back to the tools, and the practices, with a deeper appreciation for their transformative powers.
I return to the mat, to my Yoga Practice, remembering the embodiment part of being Human. I create Sacred Space and Ritual, remembering that life is Cyclical and that Intention is Everything. I journey with Cacao, remembering to Laugh, and to Love. I call upon the Reiki for Self-Healing, remembering Who I Am and that I have the Power of Creation in my Hands. I Pray and I Ask for help, remembering that I am never truly alone.
I am forever thankful to find a friend, a soul that with whom I can unravel, releasing my burdens and allowing myself to be seen and to be heard and to be witnessed in all, that I am.
Sometimes the very thing we fear is the key to our empowerment. So without reading another book, or taking another course, or waiting for the stars to align, I write and I express myself as I am now.
I honor the light and the dark within, I am grateful for my experiences for they make me who I am today. It is only because of this I am able to feel incredible amounts of compassion, which enables me to assist and support those on their journey.
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